


Restrained

by gurajiorasu, inaudible_d



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 03:17:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2532122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/gurajiorasu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/inaudible_d/pseuds/inaudible_d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No, I’m alone. But I’m fine,” Jun gave an obligatory smile. It had always been awkward and tense between him and Sho. Always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restrained

“Matsumoto, you left your planner in the green-,” Sho’s words were flowing as soon as Jun opened the door, but they were stopped as soon as Sho looked at the apartment’s owner, “You’re so pale, are you sick?”

“I’m okay,” Jun took the planner from Sho’s hand, “Thanks, Sho kun.”

“No, you’re not okay, I can feel your body heat from here,” Sho’s expression was one of the concerned, “Is anybody else here? To take care of you, I mean.”

“No, I’m alone. But I’m fine,” Jun gave an obligatory smile. It had always been awkward and tense between him and Sho. _Always_.

Sho sighed. He saw through all Jun’s lies. Of course he did, he was the one who witnessed Jun growing out of that one shy cheerful awkward boy, after all. Jun could never lie to him. He would just know it right away.  
“Back to the bed, Matsumoto,” Sho commanded and slightly regretted it because it sounded somewhat wrong. Jun wasn’t the only one who felt all the awkwardness for sure, Sho felt it too; all the tension that was hanging in the air between them. But it seemed that Sho could handle it better. He pushed Jun back inside and stepped in himself.

Jun quivered a bit. He wasn’t prepared for Sho to invade his apartment like that, “Wha- what are you doing, Sho kun?”

“To your room, Matsumoto,” Sho used that one tone that Jun knew better to not object it. Sho walked and opened the door to Jun’s room, holding the door open as a gesture to emphasize his command.

Jun gave up and did as he was told. He crawled to the bed, all while being extremely aware of his position and Sho’s presence.

“Where’s the thermometer?” Sho paced to the kitchen.

“Bathroom, top cabinet,” Jun said and Sho changed his direction immediately, “But I’m fine, Sho kun, I can take care of myself.”

Sho neither answered nor stopped. He snatched the thermometer and brought it back to Jun’s room, “Open your mouth.”

“I’m-,” Jun was about to protest but Sho shoved the thermometer more aggressively in front of his face. He opened his mouth, of course. Never once in his life he could say no to one Sakurai Sho anyway.

One reason Jun hated himself so much when it came to his feelings to Sakurai Sho.

“You really don’t have to do this, Sho kun. I’m not a child anymore,” Jun said with a very muffled voice since the thermometer was already stuffed under his tongue.

“Have you eaten yet?” it was like Sho couldn’t hear Jun’s voice at all. He stood up, already inching himself to the door. Probably because he couldn’t even bear a minute being in the same room with Jun without doing anything.

Even though Sho didn’t really understand the reason why.

Not yet, Jun hadn’t eaten yet.  
Jun had known Sho for long enough to know what’s coming next. He had known the motherly instinct well enough to expect things that he shouldn’t. Just by having the tiniest idea of it, Jun’s heart was already doing weird things, “I’ll have some delivery later.”

“I’ll make you something,” Sho just felt naturally obligated to do that when he rolled his sleeve and took the liberty to start raiding Jun’s kitchen. There’s this look that Jun caught on Sho’s face that looked focused but also highly irritated. The one look that made Jun felt a weird mixture of guilt, pain, and inferiority. Exactly like the look Sho always had back in his high school days when Sho helped him with homework and whatnot.

Yet another reason Jun hated himself so much.

Jun closed his eyes in desperation. He checked his thermometer, it’s already at 38 degrees and it’s not stopping yet. Jun clicked his tongue. He couldn’t help but to feel like he was a big failure.

Jun always felt like that around Sho. Always. Never could he hate himself more when he felt that way.

Back in the junior days, back in his high school days, when they debuted, and all after that, Jun had given his best in everything but it always felt like a failure in front of the mighty Sakurai Sho - that one Senpai who he wanted to get approval from. No, scratch that, the one Senpai who he wanted to get attention from, and if he could be lucky enough, _be loved by_.

Yet this was all he got. They grew further and further apart. Jun was Sho’s biggest fan once, but he had seen enough of Sho’s rolled eyes to understand that a million girls could be Sho’s fan but not him.

Somehow, Jun felt that Sho was irritated by his mere presence. A Kouhai that was annoyingly clingy - most probably that’s what Jun was to Sho.

And having that same Sakurai Sho there on another corner of his apartment was giving his insides a massive turmoil he couldn’t handle.  
All the awkwardness, the helplessness, _the feeling of being rejected_.

Jun still couldn’t figure out how to behave when Sho came back. The older took the thermometer from him and frowned.  
“Almost 39 degrees and you said you’re fine.”

“I am alright,” there, Jun’s habit of defending himself in front of Sho was surfacing again.

Sho stared at Jun, surprised that the younger replied to him with such tone. A little distressed, if he wanted to admit. But then, he sighed and smiled, rubbing his fingers briefly to Jun’s shoulder.  
For a split second, he caught a glimpse of Jun that he knew; the same timid but stubborn Jun that spent countless time being around him. His _favorite_.  
Jun had changed so much since those days where Sho could hardly shake him off of his shadow, but deep inside Sho knew that same sincere Jun he was familiar with was still there somewhere. Beneath the more serious and self-conscious man Jun had developed himself to. Beneath all the coldness.

“I’ve made some soup,” Sho said while heading to the kitchen again. He tried to joke, wishing hard that it could lift up the saturated tension between them, “It’s ugly but I’m sure it’s edible.”

There’s no response from Jun. No chuckle, no giggle, no anything.

Sho winced. He didn’t know since when, but he had the feeling that Jun hated him so much for a while now. Moments like that were just proving that he was probably right.

Jun changed, but Sho didn’t - that’s what Sho knew for sure. He might be a little bit wiser, a little bit more composed, and a little bit more easy going than his earlier days, but he’s sure that he didn’t change even a bit when it comes to Matsumoto Jun.  
He searched and searched, but he could never point out what’s the reason of their stretched distance.  
All that he knew was that Jun was his closest person at one time, then Jun gradually turned into a complete stranger at one point that he couldn’t figure out precisely when and _why_.

Probably Jun grew tired of him. Or awoke at one morning and realized that Sho was just a boring Senpai that was blocking his way.

Sho smiled bitterly and checked if the soup was ready. He decided that it could use some more minute and maneuvered to the first-aid box.  
He thanked every greater power that a convenient instant cooling pack for fever had been invented, because if it hadn't then he might fall to a cold splashy mess beside Jun's bed in his attempt to apply cold compress to the younger. He took a package of the said cooling pack and went back to the kitchen to turn off the stove and take a bowl of the soup.

"Soup. Warm and nice," Sho carefully brought the bowl to Jun's room. He placed it on the bedside table and grinned, "Well, I don't know how it tastes like, but it's the best that I can manage."

It would be nice if Jun smiled at Sho and said something like 'it's okay' or 'thank you', but he didn't. He looked tensed. Like the air between them and their relationship in overall - tensed.

Sho tried his best to not show how hurt he was to receive such treatment by the only man he always cared about. He pressed his lips to prevent it from frowning and busied himself with the cooling pack instead.

Jun stole a glance to the horrible looking soup. His heart felt this warm cripple that he had learned to suppress but always failed to.  
He told himself over and over again to forget his feeling towards Sakurai Sho, but in moment like this he just couldn't. It's excruciating that Sho was so kind, so attentive, and so close. Sho always made him felt special.

But then, Sho always did that to everybody. Jun knew he's not any different than Nino or Aiba or Ohno. And to think that he was special will only give unbearable pain. Oh he was an expert on that field of not-overthinking-Sakurai-Sho’s-attentive-gestures-towards-himself, thanks to all those unbearable aches stabbing his heart every time he saw how attentive Sho was to everybody else. Yet again, moment like this was one of the hardest to apply the theory.

Another weakness of himself Jun hated so much.

Jun moved his glance back to the one man that was the source of all the weaknesses he had. He couldn't have this man and he's suffered a lot by that. One heartbreaking fact suddenly decided to appear on his mind. How could he possibly have this man, if this exact man couldn't even stand him being his fan?

When Sho gently tidied Jun's hair and placed the cooling pack on his forehead, it became too much for Jun. His heart raced like a mad horse and he shivered. He felt hope - something he knew he didn't have.

It's just the most reasonable act that Jun could think of when he slapped Sho's hand off of him and yelled, "Stop this, Sakurai Sho!"  
He just didn't want to feel the heartbreak again.

Sho was startled. Of course he was. He was just applying the cooling pack and suddenly he got yelled at like he was doing some unthinkable sin.  
He took a deep breath before withdrew his hands and stared at Jun questioningly. And there it was, the somewhat disgusted and angry look that was piercing right through his soul. The same look that he frequently got from Jun since he didn't know when. The same look that sends incurable wounds to his heart.

He just didn't know that it wasn't disgusted and angry. It was just pained and defensive.

"Why, Jun? I was just putting that thing," Sho's voice was hoarse. He really didn't understand why and it hurt his feelings terribly. He had to do his hardest to swallow the lump on his throat and hold his tear back.

Jun felt like he was about to explode. He believed that Sho should know better than this, "Because I might fall in love with you _again_ if you keep doing this and I really don't want that to happen, that's why!"

Sho was taken aback. His heart was drilled. To hear those words with that agitating tone was just too crushing for him.  
It was another thing that he couldn't understand; what was so wrong with Sho that makes Jun feels like it was a greatest sin ever committed to be in love with him?

But Sho never asked. He didn't have the guts to. He had already beaten enough with Jun’s every look and action towards him. He really didn’t need to know the reason. It would just make everything worse and he really didn’t want that.  
What if Jun said that it was because Sho was just plain disgusting in Jun's eyes?  
Sho had barely lived without knowing the answer; he wouldn't be able to survive if that was the answer.

So Sho did what he always did; doing what Jun told him to.  
He had kept their distance on and off camera for Jun's comfort, now he just had to stop doing everything and leave. It was easy compared to everything else that he had done.

It was easy, but it's painful nevertheless. Sometimes Sho hated himself so much for loving Jun more than he loves himself.

Sho stood up and put down everything. He made sure he didn't leave anything behind and started to walk away.

It was out of pure heartbreak when he stopped for a second and asked, "What's so wrong with _me_ that you find it gross to be in love with me?"

Jun froze. He couldn't believe what he just heard. Or maybe he really misheard. He was busy arranging his shattered heart, after all.  
"What?"

Sho exhaled a long breath, cursing himself internally that he couldn't contain himself properly. He resumed his walk, "Never mind. I'm going home."

Sho felt the familiar burning sensation in his chest all the way home. He couldn't stop repeating the question 'why' in his head.

Sometimes he really wished he could just forget everything and start over from scratch with Jun.

Sho only had Jun in his head while he was driving home so it was surprising for him that he could make it home safely. He entered his apartment, to his room, and smiled bitterly to the framed photograph he had on his bedside. It was a photograph of him and Jun, back in their early years as Arashi.

And other times Sho just wished that he could turn back time and stopped it.

To the time when Jun was still Sho's number one fan and Sho was still genuinely irritated by that fact.  
One thing nobody but Sho knew was, he was irritated because he never wanted Jun as his fan. _Never_.

He wanted Jun as his _lover_. Since the very beginning.

But he didn’t know how to say it back then without ruining everything they had. He didn’t know what better way to show Jun about his feelings.

So since then, everything had changed. And however Sho hated it, they would have to professionally meet each other on the set in the following day - smiling and acting friendly and all.

Everything that was happened had to be forgotten.

All the feelings that was absolutely there had to be hidden.  
 _Restrained._


End file.
